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You're That F****** Author Aren't You?

25th July 2018
(Blog Posting)

     People often ask me about being an author; the women, the drugs, the library cataloguing systems etc, but before they can make meaningful eye contact with me I have them removed by my bodyguards, now that I'm famous and everything.

     Around 10% of the time is taken up by writing, the rest fannying around with invoices, publishers and looking for a pen down the back of the settee. It does however throw up potential material, in the form of the following exchanges.

 

ME: (reluctantly) I'm an author.

'What do you write?'

Non-fiction, mainly.

'Is that the one that's real, or the other one?'

ME: The one that's real.

'I like the other one.'

*****

ME: (presenting a copy of one of my books to a colleague) You should read this; but then I would say that as I wrote it.

*puzzled laughter*         

'Yeah, good one. Will...same name.'

ME: (pointing at the cover) That's me. That's my book. That's my name.

'Same name. That could be anyone called Will.'

ME: You think I would present a copy of a book by an author with the same first name as me, and pretend that I'd wrote it?

(looking at me like I'm slightly delusional) 'You might do.'

***** 

At a book signing...

"I've written a book. Well, sort of; it's not finished yet.'

ME: Ok

'It's more of an idea really.'

ME: What's it about?

'A sci-fi thing. I've designed the action figures. I just need to finish the book.'

ME: *silence* and mouth wide open incredulity.

'I've sent a copy of the first draft to Oprah Winfrey.'

ME: *more silence, but louder this time*

*****

At a book signing...

'Would you sign this for me, please?'

ME: No problem. Who should I make it out to?

'It's for my husband.'

ME: What's he call...

(interrupting) 'He's at the match, the ****ing arsehole.'

*****

Slightly inebriated exchange with someone who has just been told I'm an author...

'You're not writing about me are you?'

ME: No.

'Why not?'

I just met you about 6 minutes ago.

'Are you gonna write about me?'

ME: No.

'Why not?'

People who ask me if I'm going to write about them usually aren't worth writing about, and when I tell them this they take it personally.

'You should ****ing write about me.'

ME: I probably will but I'll change your name or something so you won't know.

'What to?'

ME: Something bland as **** like Nigel, probably.

'I'm called Nigel.'

I'm definitely going to write about you now.

 

 

 

 

 


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Previous Postings

On Holiday, Or Something Like It...

10th August 2018
(Blog Posting)

You're That F****** Author Aren't You?

25th July 2018
(Blog Posting)

A Slight Altercation On The Reeperbahn

5th July 2018
(Blog Posting)

An Exclusive Excerpt From My New Book, Local Author Writes Book. OUT NOW.

9th June 2018
(Short Story)

Will Nett
Will Nett
(United Kingdom)

Gonzo-scribbling, Francophile road roamer, cum meta-fiction story collector.


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